Chapter Ten: Maddie Strikes Back

The mood in Carlton’s basement recording studio was not warm and fuzzy, but Maddie didn’t expect it to be. She was a little ashamed of herself for bringing Tillie. Vinny was clearly taken with her when they met at the drive-in, and Maddie hoped he might be nicer in her presence. As soon as Carlton appeared in the claustrophobic room, Maddie’s thoughts skipped back to their eventful last night together. How was she supposed to stay focused on work? And she absolutely had to do that. If she blew a second interview on Manders Matter, that could bury her for the season. She had a battle plan today, but it required a stellar performance and even then, it was risky.

“OK, I think everybody’s levels are good. Ready?” Carlton’s hand brushed against hers as he adjusted the distance of her microphone. Just that light, soft touch made Maddie wish they could be alone again and that his stunning, astrophysicist girlfriend might choose to live a happy, Carlton-free life halfway around the planet.

Maddie pushed her impossible wishes aside and straightened up in her chair, trying to radiate strength. She thought of the charismatic manager of the Chicago Cubs, Nick Maddox. His pithy aphorisms captured the imagination of the fans and launched wildly successful T-shirts, something she admired and envied. When faced with sky-high expectations and daunting challenges, Nick’s response had been, “Expect the best, not the worst.” Maddie repeated his phrase in her head like a mantra.

Herb pressed a button on the audio control console, and Maddie heard the Manders Matter theme song playing in her headphones.

“You’re listening to Manders Matter,” Carlton began. “Where every show is thirty minutes of honest talk about baseball, the Sliding Salamanders, and their parent team the Chicago Gray Sox. I’m your host—”

“The Professor!” shouted Vinny and Herb.

“And I’m here with Herb Knightley.”

“Hello,” said Herb in his velvet soft voice.

“And Vinny Randazzo,” Carlton added.

“Hey y’all,” Vinny drawled.

Carlton turned to Maddie. “Welcome back to Madison Fields, the newly appointed PR Guru for our beloved yet abysmal hometown team.”

To Maddie’s horror, Herb pressed another button and “Ernie” from Sesame Street began singing “Rubber Ducky” overlaid with sound effects of people screaming mixed with painful quacking.

Where on earth did they find an audio clip that sounded like baby ducks in agony? Maddie wondered amidst her embarrassment and aggravation.

Vinny grinned and took a sip of whatever ill-conceived cocktail was in his Jurassic Park World Dominion plastic tumbler. “Glad you’re back, Mads. This is gonna be fun!”

Maddie’s saving grace was a stolen glance at Tillie who didn’t laugh. She yawned, silently but vividly. Maddie sent her a mental thank-you.

“Thanks for … whatever that was,” said Maddie. She couldn’t help sneaking a peek at Carlton to see if she could discern his reaction to the sound drop. His expression didn’t give much away, but she detected the faintest whiff of encouragement toward her. She remembered him saying that he wanted to show the fans she could handle the barbs and hold her own. OK, that’s what she would do. She gave into pure, gut instinct and laughed. She really let loose and laughed at herself, instead of just pretending to go along with the joke. It felt good, cathartic even.

“Oh my God, those poor ducks in that sound cue!” Maddie said, wiping tears from her eyes. “I hope they’re OK. I love Ernie, though. And Bert, too. They kinda remind me of you guys.”

“I don’t think so,” Herb scoffed.

“No really! I can see Vinny as Ernie—with all the wisecracks and the stripe-y shirts. And Herb is Bert. The more serious, stoic guy. Now the Professor … He’s Kermit! Yeah, definitely Kermit.”

“Wrong. He’s Yoda,” said Vinny. “And that’s what the Manders need this season.”

“How’s that?” Herb asked.

“Do or do not,” Vinny managed a remarkably good Yoda impression. “There is no try.”

Maddie breathed a little easier. The mood was less antagonistic. She had Vinny playing along with her. She had altered the trajectory of the interview slightly in her favor. Now she just had to keep the momentum going.

“I see Vinny’s point, and I agree that Mr. Wilde would be an excellent Jedi master,” Maddie said.

“Is it possible that we could talk about baseball now?” Carlton asked.

“Wait, I have a question for Mads.” Vinny rolled his chair closer to Maddie which was also closer to Tillie. “Do you think Monty Ortzelbean has an evil villain’s lair? Since we’re talking about Star Wars… We never see the fucking guy! Where does he hide out?”

“Some kind of underground lair?” Herb offered.

“Not necessarily,” Vinny shot back. “Monty has a private sky box at Sox Park. That’s like a lair, isn’t it?”

“Nah.” Herb shook his head. “There needs to be some kind of weird security. Like molten lava.”

“Monty’s sky box could totally have lava around it. And I’ll bet he has one of those chairs that rotates around dramatically, and probably a hairless cat and a guy who beheads people with a Sox cap.” Vinny was clearly enjoying himself, and Maddie worried that she had unleashed a monster she couldn’t reign in.

“Holy shit I just realized something!” Vinny took a big swig of his drink which Maddie thought was a bad sign. “Monty has turned into the owner from The Natural!”

Herb gasped. “It’s true! They even have the same body type! And the same stogie. The way Monty sits up there in his sky box looking down on the fan base which he despises…”

Maddie was close to panic. She didn’t want her big boss to become the object of ridicule during her interview, although she knew that was a frequent occurrence on Manders Matter. She watched Carlton closely for any survival clues his body language might provide. That was entirely unhelpful. Carlton leaned back in his chair, reveling in the turn the conversation had taken. Maddie knew that he thought Monty was the very worst owner in sports. Forget it. Expecting an assist from him was pointless.

“I think we’re on to something here,” Carlton said. “Let’s explore this further. With our honored guest.” He rested his chin on one hand and blinked at Maddie.

She shot him a scathing look. He had thrown her right under the bus and derailed her advantage. She had to find a way to strike back. As soon as possible. She waited and listened.

“Great idea, Professor!” Vinny smirked. “What have you got, Herb?”

“OK, picture this: Monty turns around slowly in his big chair as Maddie comes into his office. And she has to walk down this endless carpet. Lined with guards in capes—”

“And mastiffs!” Vinny made some disturbing, snarling dog noises.

Herb mimicked the action of the scene in his swivel chair and lowered his voice to a menacing growl. “Ms. Fields. I see you are here for… money.” He emphasized the word with disgust. “Explaaain to me… Whyyyyy…” Herb elongated each syllable to great comic effect. “Why should I give you…annnnnything, Maaaad-i-son?

Each syllable of Maddie’s full name sounded like a dreadful incantation. But Maddie saw her chance and grabbed it.

“Here’s what I’d tell Monty or anyone else. Teams like the Manders can mean everything to people and their communities. And they are literally the life blood of the franchise. You guys know that. It’s why you do this podcast. Our long-suffering, mostly working-class fans understand, too.” Maddie paused. She took a deep breath. It was show time. “I came here today to make an announcement. A promise. I’m going to break the all-time attendance record for Sliding Salamanders. This year. With the help of some new sponsors and our great fans who want to see this team succeed. Owners don’t have all the power. We have power, too, and we can use it. But I need your help. Manders Matter can be the catalyst that changes the Salamanders culture.”

Maddie braced herself for mocking laughter. She didn’t hear it, but the quiet that followed her speech was disconcerting. Carlton had lowered his eyes, and Maddie wasn't sure if he was avoiding her or moved by her words or possibly just bored. Please don't be bored, she thought. Please help me.

Tillie was busy typing and that was the only noise Maddie heard. She must be posting Maddie’s plea on social media. That was hopeful. Tillie wouldn’t be doing that if she didn’t think it was good content.

Vinny broke the silence. “Let me get this straight. You’re going to get more people into the stands here in Sweetgum than have ever come before. With the worst team in baseball. I’m not just talking about this season. I’m talking about the entire recorded history of the sport."

“That’s right. If the team sees the whole town going all in for this record, I think they’ll rise to the occasion. We’ll create a tidal wave of excitement, and who knows what might happen next? But the most important thing is that people get involved and feel the joy that baseball can bring. God knows we need it these days.”

Carlton finally raised his eyes to Maddie’s, his face deadly serious. “It’s a noble goal, and no one could doubt your passion.” His voice quavered on that last word, and Maddie’s heart beat harder. “But don’t you see that you’re enabling Monty? If he can get big crowds without a budget and put a team on the field that should be relegated to a church softball league—why should he change anything?”

“Word!” Herb pumped his fist. “I wish we had relegation in baseball. Just like football in the UK. The worst teams get demoted every year. If the commissioner of baseball was dying on the street in front of me…”

“And if he handed you the mystical Orb of Commissionership?” Vinny suggested. “I love this scenario!”

“You guys are kidding,” Carlton said. “But I’m not. Monty would be long gone if we had relegation here. Owners would have to risk everything, or they’d be demoted and lose billions of dollars. They’d have to go all in. That’s the kind of owner I want, and we can never have it. I'm sorry, Maddie, er, Ms. Fields, but I won’t help Monty win. No matter how honorable your intentions are.”

Maddie listened to the conversation, riveted. The three men at the table were speaking from the deep love of a true fan, one of the most sacred things in the world to her. Honestly, she wanted the same things that they did, and she wished she could tell them. But she couldn't, and she had to stick with Part Two of her plan.

“I get it," Maddie began. Her hands were clenched, shaking, and she wanted to reach over and grasp Carlton’s hand to settle her nerves. She resorted to hiding both hands under the table. “In my own small way, I am trying to risk everything. I’m saying we should reach for the moon despite the obstacles. Which every team has. We can’t just blame owners. We have to do something. So now… I have another proposition.”

“Does it involve the Professor and the Gumdrop Motel? You might wanna ask Mary Ann Peebles first,” said Vinny.

“That was a weak-ass joke, and you know it,” Maddie spat back. “You’re better than that, Vinny. I said that I need you guys and I mean it. As for me, well, I’m willing to prove myself worthy of your help. On this show. Right now.”

“Don’t do anything you’re going to regret,” Carlton warned.

Maddie noted with satisfaction that he had stopped trying to call her “Ms. Fields” and he cared that she didn’t fall on her face. “I won’t regret this! I only want to issue a simple challenge. Ask me one question. Anything to do with the history of the Gray Sox. If I can answer correctly, then you have to help me break the record. I get the Professor for three promotions that I get to choose, and I want all three of you to be in the premiere of Yoakam’s Pickle Races. Which was your idea, Herb, you can’t deny it. It’s brilliant and the Yoakam family loves it. Who doesn’t love giant fermented vegetables racing? It’s going to be spectacular."

“Yeah, there’s no way in hell that I’m dressing up like a big pickle and running,” Herb stated flatly.

“Come on!” Maddie urged. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You’ll be a star.”

“I think you’d look super cute in a pickle outfit," Vinny chirped.

“And if I win this challenge, what do I get from you?” Carlton asked.

The question brought to mind all sorts of answers that could not be uttered in a public forum. Maddie turned away quickly to hide her face, which she was sure would reveal her thoughts to Carlton.

“If you win,” she said. “I will personally record Ernie’s Rubby Ducky song for you to use on every show henceforth. I’ll even put on a duck costume and tap shoes and have my star intern Tillie post it on all the team’s socials. Look, I’m not asking you to give up your principles. All I’m asking is for… Just give me a chance.”
“Fuck yeah! Let’s do this!” shouted Vinny. “The Professor has to think of a question for you, Mads. He knows the most obscure Sox trivia you can imagine, so I'm not loving your chances.”

“Bring it on!” Maddie pumped her fist. “I’m a baseball trivia champion.”

Tillie raised her eyebrows and shook her head doubtfully, but Maddie waved her off. “I can do this, and I’m sure the Professor will be fair. But I think I can take him.”

If only I could take him! Maddie flushed and she was surprised that Carlton flushed, too. This interview was getting weirdly hot. Maddie took a glug from her water.

“OK, I’m ready.” Carlton leaned in towards Maddie, and she played nervously with the collar of her blouse. Now that the moment of truth had come, she felt sick. This could turn into a nightmare. She closed her eyes. “Expect the best, not the worst,” said the voice of Nick Maddox. Maddie opened her eyes and leaned in toward Carlton.

“This is a multi-part question,” he said. “Given the stakes, I believe that’s warranted. I’m going to give you a quote, and you tell me who said it and why. If you fail on either count, I win.”

“Fair enough.” Maddie was touched to observe that Tillie had put down her phone and was nibbling on one French-manicured nail.

“Here’s the quote: There is no known substitute for winning and no known cure for losing.”

Maddie could have kissed him. She really wanted to kiss him. A lot. Regardless of the question, she had to admit. But his query was exactly what she’d hoped for, and yet she knew he had really tried to stump her. Most people, even most baseball people, wouldn’t know the full answer. But she did.

Vinny and Herb hummed the Jeopardy song. Maddie let them think she was struggling. She waited until they finished, feigning angst.

“Time’s up!” Vinny announced cheerfully.

“I think… The answer is…” Maddie paused dramatically. “The late great Bill Veeck, owner of the Gray Sox for a brief yet impactful time. And my personal PR hero.”

“Correct on part one.” Carlton crossed his arms and nodded. "Of course, you should know that as the PR executive for the Salamanders. I’ll give you credit for that. Now what was he talking about when he said it? Besides the obvious winning and losing thing.”

Maddie savored the moment and then went for the slam dunk. “He was talking about fireworks. He was making the case for using fireworks to draw crowds, even for a losing team. He practically invented fireworks at baseball games, and he got hammered for it by the other rich owners who called him a clown. Until they realized he was right and copied him. This was a perfect question to ask me. You might say I’m taking Bill Veeck’s methods to the limit with the Manders this season. I could probably give you an exact date for the quote if—”

Carlton held up his hands and laughed. “Enough already. You crushed it. I concede. You win.”

“Damn it, Carlton!” Herb sighed loudly.

“Yes!” Tillie stood up and high-fived Maddie. “Sorry, did I mess up the recording?”

“You’re fine. For our audio listeners, that was Tillie Pinkney, the Manders’ enthusiastic PR intern.”

“I’m not enthusiastic,” Tillie muttered. “Just happy that Maddie kicked your butt.”

Carlton cast a sly grin at Maddie, and she knew that he was congratulating her for winning the challenge. She returned his smile, hoping to convey her gratitude for his integrity.

“I’m warming up to the pickle racing concept.” Vinny tried to catch Tillie’s eye as he moved her chair to make it easier for her to sit back down. Maddie’s heart went out to him. Tillie could not have looked less interested.

“You’d make an adorable gherkin!” Maddie told him.

“Oh, that’s a low blow, Mads. Short-man jokes? Really?” Vinny chided.

“No! That wasn’t a height reference. It was a character reference. You’re a sweet guy underneath is all I meant.”

“Fuck off,” Vinny made a rude gesture, but Maddie just laughed. She had won a victory, and this was Vinny's way of acknowledging that, too. Her first major win with the Salamanders, and oh, it was sweet!

“But hold on a second,” Vinny added. “The last time you were here, you promised you would be accountable. Unlike anyone else in the Sox-Manders organization. So how exactly will you do that?”

Riding the wave of her success, Maddie answered without thinking long enough about it. “If I don’t break the record, I’ll resign from the Manders and leave Sweetgum.”

Tillie nearly dropped her phone, and Carlton squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his face in his hands. Maddie realized she had gone too far, but she couldn’t turn back now.

“All right then, Mads. At the end of this season, you can report back to us.”

“That’s a long way off, Vinny,” Carlton said, and Maddie hoped it was an attempt to cut her some slack for which she was grateful. Although it wouldn't help her come September. So, she’d just have to break the record. That’s all there was to it.

“Can you reveal which three events I will be doing your bidding for?” Carlton asked.

Maddie wiped her forehead in a futile effort to erase the return of racy scenarios with Carlton. Is he doing this on purpose? Actually, he might be, she thought. He had done his best to convince her that Mary Ann wasn’t his girlfriend any more after the drive-in disaster. Maybe he was still trying to do that, but more subtly and subversively.

“I can’t divulge the details yet,” Maddie answered in a mysterious voice. “Tillie and I are working with potential sponsors, since we have—”

“A non-existent budget,” Herb finished.

Maddie ignored him. “We’ll update our website and social media as we get things confirmed. You have to follow us on Instagram and check out Tillie’s photos. They’re fantastic! So, tomorrow is Opening Day AND Bring Your Dog Day. It’s double the fun! And Wednesday is the ‘Up Yours’ vintage T-shirt giveaway. By the way, Tillie has some free shirts for you guys. Then on Thursday we have food trucks and food drive. Friday will be the First Annual Fan Dance Contest—sponsored by Sip N Suds Wash-a-rama and Danceteria. And—BIG NEWS—on Saturday the Sweetgum Lawn Chair Drill Team will premiere some new routines and sing the seventh inning stretch while performing their famous Radio City Rockettes chorus line kick."

“OK, these T-shirts are dope,” said Herb after Tillie handed him one of the misguided garments. “I’d wear one and come to ‘Up Yours Night.’ That’s the first event that makes any sense for this team.”

Maddie glanced at Tillie who looked pleased with her success.

“But as for the Professor…” Maddie clasped her hands behind her head and stretched back in her swivel chair. “I have some very special things in mind for him.”

“I’m sensing a Dr. Evil laugh coming,” Herb predicted. “Maybe we cast the wrong person as a super villain. It’s not Monty. It’s actually Maddie.”

“Boys, you flatter me, but I'm only slightly evil. I just have a trickle of lava around my office.”

“OK, I’m a little bit afraid.” Carlton made direct eye contact with Maddie, and she beamed back at him. She knew that he’d honor his commitment and do his best for her. That’s who he was. If she and Carlton couldn't be lovers, this might be the next best thing. It would be hard to ignore everything else that she felt for him, but she resolved to make it work. Today she was the winner. Her master plan could move forward, and there was no other course but total victory.

She was officially on her way. The baseball gods had to be on her side. Right?

BASEBALL INSPIRATION: JOE MADDON AND HIS SLOGANS

Even casual baseball fans will recognize that the Wilde Pitch character, Nick Maddox, is overtly inspired by Joe Maddon, the innovative manager who led the Chicago Cubs to their first World Series since 1908—the longest drought in sports history. His management style was laid back and unconventional. He liked to say that he emphasized the “fun” in “fundamentals.”

Maddon captured the imagination of the fans with his wise, insightful, and often humorous slogans, which became popular T-shirts and signs all over the ballpark and the city:

Try Not to Suck
Embrace the Target
Never Let the Pressure Exceed The Pleasure
Do Simple Better
Respect 90 (the distance between the bases)

A few of his quotes:

“I work from a position of positivity. I don’t dwell on negativity, and I always believe something better is on the horizon.”
“We’re all on our own little planet.”
“If it looks sexy, wear it.”

MORE BASEBALL INSPIRATION: MADDIE’S HERO, BILL VEECK

Veeck was the last owner to purchase a baseball franchise without an independent fortune and was responsible for many innovations and contributions to baseball. As owner and team president of the Cleveland Indians, he signed Larry Doby, beginning the integration of the American League. He also owned the St. Louis Browns and the Chicago White Sox at various times. His autobiography, Veeck as in Wreck, is considered a classic of baseball literature.

He loved pushing the boundaries and wreaking havoc on the MLB rule book, which he knew by heart. He introduced a portable outfield wall that would be moved in for his team’s hitters and moved out for the opposing hitters. There was no MLB rule against it. Until Veeck made one necessary. Once he had miner’s lights embedded in his team’s batting helmets for a ballpark that he thought dimmed the lights for the opposing team. The home team was not amused.

Veeck was a tireless promoter, known for traveling in person to hundreds of schools and libraries and community forums. Even many diehard Cubs fans in and around Chicago remember him fondly because of his entertaining school visits.

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