Chapter Nineteen: Yacht Rock-Speed Dating Night
Esme was not in her usual seat at the Pickle Jar; the premium sections near home plate had been commandeered for speed-dating zones. She was fine with moving to the second tier because she had a great view of what was going on in the stands below. Yacht Rock-Speed Dating Night was becoming a bona fide happening unlike anything in the history of the town. Esme tried to think of a pithy way to describe the experience when she added tonight’s ticket to her scrapbook of memorable Sweetgum events. This was Woodstock. But with baseball. And romance. And without the rain, mud, and drugs.
Perhaps it’s this sultry midsummer night? Esme mused. Or the charisma of Nina DiCaro, host of WZAZ’s Love Notes and the energy from the giddy mob of followers she attracted to the park. Or maybe everyone in town simply needed an excuse to bust out of their daily grind and let loose for a night of passion. Whatever the reason, things were already hot and heavy—on the field and off—by the third inning. The Manders were ahead by five runs, and the speed daters were coupling up faster than Luis Aparicio throwing to first for a double play.
When her cell phone rang, Esme answered quickly. It was Nick and she felt a little flutter in her heart as she picked up.
“Hello, Beautiful!” he said. “I need your help again.”
“Anything for the skipper of the Cubs. Should I say that when I’m sitting here rooting for a Gray Sox team? Should you even be talking to me right now?”
“I’ll risk it. For you.”
“Wait a minute. You’re playing the Brewers tonight. You can’t possibly be calling in the middle of a game!”
“Rain delay. Turning into a long one. The guys started watching Tillie’s posts on TikTok and we all want to know—What the hell is going on in Sweetgum tonight?”
“Well, I hope it’s a long rain delay because this is epic. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the sprinkler system was emitting a secret aphrodisiac. Or someone put Love Potion No. 9 in everyone’s drinks.”
Esme heard laughter and a raucous, off-key version of the song she had just referenced. “Oops! Nick, are we on speaker phone? I’d better watch what I say.”
“I don’t think you ever do that, Esme. But you should know that you’re patched into the big TV screen here in the clubhouse. I hope you don’t mind. You can help me keep the players loose by hosting a live version of ‘Rain Delay Theater.’ Starring the Sliding Salamanders and Yacht Rock Speed-Dating Night at the Pickle Jar. Would you turn your phone around and show us what else is going on?”
“Oooh! Impromptu theatre? I’m in!” Esme did as Nick asked and showed a panorama of the stadium and the field with her phone’s camera. “What have you seen in the posts?”
Nick laughed. “Other than Tillie’s brilliance and humor? Everyone loves Maddie in her ‘Julie, Your Cruise Director’ outfit. Actually, you don’t want to hear those comments. You know ball players. But it looks like the game plan for tonight broke down in a hurry, and people are doing whatever they want.”
“True. Maddie set up multiple areas for speed dating. Special sections for everyone. Heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, trans, queer. It was a little complicated to figure out, but that’s our Maddie. The media sponsor was committed to an inclusive event.”
“Sweetgum sounds refreshingly progressive. I’m sure Rebecca Ernest is loving this.”
“Oh, she is!” Esme said sarcastically. “She’s got a group protesting in front of the main entrance. Bless her heart and her freedom of speech. We had a lovely chat about how her roses are doing and whether she’ll enter them into the county fair. Then she went back to chanting about going to Hell and the fall of civilization. I didn’t dream of telling her I put out hundreds of free condoms in all the men’s restrooms.”
“Good thinking! Tillie’s been keeping an online count of couples leaving the stadium together. We’re taking bets on what the final number will be. Those dating sections look depleted and the game’s not over.”
Esme hummed cheerfully. “Mm hm! That’s about the size of it. People were supposed to change seats every half inning and meet a new person to talk to. But it’s more like a big party everywhere. And then nobody really cared about the assigned sections. Everyone just started finding other people they liked and…”
A cheer from the Cubs went up in the background. “Weird Mustache Guy got a date!” Esme heard one of the guys say loudly.
“What was that?” Esme asked.
“Oh, we’ve got a bunch of favorite fans that we’re rooting for in the romance department.”
“Well, that’s nice. Players rooting for the fans. Sorry, excuse me—Hey, Marguerite cut that out! This is a family-friendly venue!” Esme shouted to her nail technician who was getting dangerously close to giving a lap dance to J’vonne, the cute bartender from Kelsey’s Pub. It was a little disconcerting since the PA was blaring Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft.
“Sorry about that!” Esme told Nick. “Just doing my part to keep the PG-rating intact here at the Pickle Jar. I don’t know what got into Marguerite. There are kids here tonight. And it was absolutely the wrong type of music for that type of activity. At least in my experience.”
“Agreed,” Nick’s “come hither” tone made Esme’s stomach drop.
“Go get it, Skipper!” Plus a few other helpful suggestions and cat calls came from the clubhouse crowd.
“Maybe I should change subjects while we’re speaking in public.” Esme cleared her throat. “Still working on my inner censor.” A light flush crept across her chest, an uncommon sensation for her.
Dante Ellersby, the Cubs’ star shortstop, grabbed the phone from Nick.
“Hey there, Esme! Thanks for being the emcee for us tonight. This is another stunner from Sweetgum. Tell Maddie and Tillie they’ve done it again! By the way, we really liked the group of gay men in drag who did that killer a capella version of ‘You’ve Gotta Have Heart’ from Damn Yankees. And then they started pairing off. Looks like Chappell Roan and Judy Garland are going to hook up later.”
Nick took his phone back. “I’m sure they’ll make beautiful music together."
Groans and boos came from the players and staff.
“No more Dad jokes! Please!” Esme heard Dante yell.
“Why I oughta…” Nick shot back. Esme had never heard a Three Stooges impression sound sexy before.
“Oh Nick, you’ll love this—Tonight’s big sponsor is Earl’s Brake and Alignment.”
“That’s… Unusual?”
“Well, being able to put on the brakes and having proper alignment are important in dating. So, Charlie, the guy who owns it—”
“Wait. Charlie owns Earl’s?”
“Earl’s been dead for years. But you met Charlie. He’s that guy with the ‘74 Nova. You talked to him about it.”
“Helluva car. I remember.”
“Anyway, I ran into him at the concession stand. He was buying a beer for Mykayla Anderson. I swear, there were little hearts in his eyes. Turns out, she has a ‘74 Nova, too. She’s obsessed with it. But they’ve never met because she works on her own car. Apparently when Charlie heard that, he practically got down on one knee to propose. I think they’re on their way to the Sweetgum Suites as we speak.”
“Man, I love love.” Nick sighed. “And I’m falling hard. For Sweetgum.” He squinted into the screen. “Are you wearing a captain’s cap?”
Esme tilted her cap at a jaunty angle. “It’s Yacht Rock Night! Captain’s hats are required. What do you think?” She showed off the Salamanders’ logo and a tiny, embroidered Sal and Sally on the front of the band. Then she turned the hat around to reveal the stitching on the back that said Earl’s Brake and Alignment.
Nick whistled. “I think I need one of those.”
A chorus of other voices requested hats, too.
Esme let out a peal of laughter. “Don’t worry, boys. I’ll make sure you get a boatload of hats. If you don’t think your front office will throw a fit when they get a shipment of gear from a Gray Sox affiliate team.”
“The Sox and Cubs rivalry was a marketing scheme that worked. I don’t believe in it myself,” Nick said.
“I would not let anyone hear you say that on the South Side, my dear,” Esme advised.
The ballpark’s organ struck a serendipitous, dramatic chord and held it. Russell Wilde’s voice thundered above the crowd noise. “Ladies and Gentlemen. In honor of Yacht Rock Night, the Professor from the ever-popular Mander Matters podcast will sing a yacht rock classic, The Pina Colada Song. I present to you, Carlton Wilde!”
“Hush, everybody,” Esme ordered and aimed her phone at Carlton. “This is the main event!” She heard murmurs from the players who recognized him from his MLB pitching days.
Carlton’s face filled the Jumbotron, and he had a microphone in his hand. Esme couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked. She wished that Maddie would stop pretending that she wasn’t crazy about him. He was dressed as “The Professor” from Gilligan’s Island with a white Oxford-cloth shirt and khaki pants. It was obviously his personal take on “yacht rock” that tied in with his nickname. Esme gave him credit for cleverness and guts, too. This wasn’t an easy assignment. He had to be in love with Maddie to do something like this for her, regardless of winning or losing a bet on his podcast. This was above and beyond what was required of him.
The organist started playing the intro to The Pina Colada Song. Carlton sucked in a deep breath and began:
“I was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a worn out recording
Of a favorite song.”
His voice was surprisingly strong, but he did not look comfortable. He walked up to the front row of the stands, handing the microphone to people who wanted to sing along.
Nice, Carlton! Esme thought. Using the crowd to deflect the spotlight. She could see him loosening up as the song went on, and the crowd was eating it up.
An eight-year-old boy didn’t know the words, but he jumped around and popped his collar as he sang-shouted made up lyrics. Then Carlton sang with a group from Sweetgum’s assisted living community. A woman who looked to be in her nineties gave him a big kiss on the lips. Carlton’s eyebrows shot up, and the fans (and the Cubs) hooted and hollered.
During the instrumental break in the song, he stopped in front of a couple deeply engaged in making out. Carlton turned away comically, covered his eyes, and waited for the lyrics to start again. By this point, the whole crowd was singing with him. Even Nick and the entire Cubs’ roster joined in the last chorus.
As fans crooned the closing line, the whole stadium, including the Sliding Salamanders and the Carolina Mudcats, who were now back on the field, gave Carlton a standing ovation.
“Nick, would you look at that? Our shy, hometown boy is blowing kisses to the adoring crowd! Who’d have thought that?”
“I’m not surprised. Maddie has a way of unleashing unexpected super powers.” He paused to talk to someone Esme couldn’t see. “Looks like our delay might be over soon. I should go. But I have to know—how was Maddie planning to match people up? I mean, if it had gone as planned and people hadn’t jumped the gun. And each other.”
Esme laughed. “You know Maddie. She made individual baseball cards for all the participants with fun facts about themselves. You were supposed to keep the cards of anyone you were interested in, write your name on the back, and leave them in secure ‘love boxes’ around the ballpark. I’m not kidding.”
Nick snorted. “Love boxes?”
“Oh yeah. She and Tillie were going to collect the cards and contact the interested parties to see if it was OK to share their information.”
“And did that happen?”
“Did it look like anyone here tonight was willing to wait for contact information? I’ll be surprised if most of them make it home. I am not looking in any car windows when I walk through the parking lot!”
“You’re not tempted?” Nick asked jokingly, but Esme could hear a hint of concern in his voice. She wished he could be here tonight. It had been a long time since she had wanted someone this intensely, emotionally and physically. Strangely, she wasn’t freaked out. She could hardly wait to see him again, and she needed that to happen soon. Should she tell him? Probably not over the speaker phone in the Cubs’ clubhouse.
“Not even close to being tempted,” she answered. “My ‘love box’ lies elsewhere. Although I did check the boxes for Maddie. Most were empty. One had a couple of cards. But they were rather shocking. There were suggestions of sexual acts I hadn’t even considered.”
“Poor Maddie. Will you show them to her?” Nick asked.
Esme gave him a coy smile. “No, of course not. I put those cards in my pocket so I can refer to them later.”
Nick returned her seductive smile. “Good. Because I’ll be back in Sweetgum for the Fourth of July weekend and the All-Star break.”
The players in Chicago offered their heartfelt encouragement, and this time Esme blushed like she was thirteen years old.
***
After almost everyone else in Sweetgum went off to engage in a mass, spontaneous reimagining of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Maddie stayed behind at the ballpark. She went down to the batting cage and vented her pent-up sexual frustration by taking ludicrously bad swings at the baseballs flying toward her. Every now and then, she’d make contact, but more often than not she swung through air, twisted herself up like a pretzel, and grunted loudly or yelled, “Fuck!”
For the past few weeks she had been skimming the surface with Carlton. She had not summoned the courage to say anything of importance to him. She rationalized that they were both too busy. She was in the heart and heat of the season. The Fourth of July was coming up and she wanted a sell-out. Elaborate plans for a fireworks and air show extravaganza consumed all the hours she wasn’t working at the ballpark. She knew that he was preparing for his debut as a play-by-play announcer on top of his regular workload for Wilde Hardware and Manders Matter. They saw each other occasionally, briefly. Texted and talked on the phone a few times. But nothing substantial.
Tonight, watching everyone pair up, Maddie finally cracked. All she could think about when Carlton led the Pina Colada Sing-along was how much she loved him and wanted to make love to him. No confusion, no consideration for Mary Ann. Just red-hot desire. But that wasn’t going to happen. And now she couldn’t even hit a damned baseball being spewed directly at her by a machine that was designed to serve up easy hits!
“You’re taking batting practice now? Are you planning to join the lineup next? And single-handedly raising our team batting average above the Mendoza line? What the hell? I’ve been looking all over the place for you. I was getting worried.”
Maddie stopped swinging and peered through the cage into the darkened hallway. Of course it was Carlton. A ball whizzed by her and slammed into thick padding on the back wall.
“Why are you still here?” she asked. Another baseball sped toward her. She swung and missed spectacularly. “And why can’t I hit one fucking baseball just one fucking time?” she shouted.
“Hardest thing in sports to do.” Carlton moved close to the cage and put his fingers up in the chain link partition.
“Not in here. This should be easy. I’m such a loser.” She slammed her bat on the ground.
“What?” He spat out a laugh. “You’re delusional! Did you notice anything that went on here tonight? Yacht Rock-Speed Dating Night is the biggest thing that’s ever hit Sweetgum. It was like the Summer of Love in three hours and nine innings. And the Manders won another game. Tonight is already an urban legend. People will be talking about it a hundred years from now. You’ve made the Pickle Jar a must-see destination in the minor leagues. The Manders’ culture isn’t changing, it’s changed, and the team will have to change, too. You’re putting the screws to Monty. We should be celebrating! Come on. Let’s toast your biggest success yet. Just like you said it would be. I’ll grovel as much as you want. Tell you how wrong I was and how right you were. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
“Don’t tell me what I should be doing! I just want to hit a fucking baseball. Is that OK with you?”
Carlton opened the cage door and stepped inside. “Sure, but can I help you with your swing?”
“No. Go home. Please.”
Carlton took a step back. “Can I ask why you’d like to hit a fucking baseball right now?”
Maddie walked away from him and turned off the pitching machine. She was still wearing her “Julie, Your Cruise Director” white blouse and short, pleated skirt, but her feet and legs were bare. The batting cage was damp and humid, and she was sweating profusely. She unbuttoned her blouse further, showing a lot more cleavage than normal and wiped her face on her rolled-up sleeve. “It’s always been a silly dream of mine. Hitting a major league homerun. I heard Jim Thome talk about it once. A reporter asked how it felt to hit those majestic bombs. He said he wished that everyone could feel what it was like. That stuck with me, and I really wish it could happen. I wish I could see the baseball sail hundreds of feet into the sky. Hear the crowd roar and the fireworks go off. And I’d want the pitcher to do one of those classic hangdog poses as I rounded the bases. Wouldn’t that be nice? To feel that good? Just once!”
She slunk down to the ground and started crying. It was a release of everything she had kept locked inside about Carlton, but it became bigger than that. It was about everything that she wanted to accomplish that she felt so far away from. She hated sobbing in front of Carlton, but she couldn’t stop herself.
Carlton ran to her and knelt down. He put his arms around her.
“What’s the matter? Something’s been wrong for a while. I know that. I’m so sorry. I want to help. We’re friends! Please talk to me. Have you slept at all lately? You can’t keep going like this!”
Maddie jerked away. “I don’t want to be just your friend! That’s not what I want. At all! That’s totally fucked up. I’ve tried. I really have. But I’m in love with you. Can’t you feel that, Professor? Do you feel anything at all?” A wave of anger pushed through the heartache. “Why didn't you bring Mary Ann tonight? That would be so perfect! She could wear a cute gingham dress and put her hair in pigtails and bake you a coconut cream pie! And you two could hook up like everyone always wanted the Professor and Mary Ann to do on Gilligan’s Island. The rest of Sweetgum is out there having amazing romantic adventures tonight, why not you and Mary Ann, huh? ‘Cuz it’s sure not gonna be you and me! You’ve made that pretty clear.”
“You want to know how I really feel about you, Maddie?” Carlton took her by the shoulders and kissed her, his mouth warm and hungry on hers. His hands moved down her sides and around her back, enveloping her in his arms, pulling her so close that her breath was cut short.
Maddie laced her fingers through his hair and leaned back, stretching out her legs and then wrapping them around his waist. She arched into his touch and felt him kissing along her collarbone. He unbuttoned more of her blouse and kissed her throat and breasts. One hand slid under her to press his hips to hers.
“I want you like this all the time, Maddie. Every time we’re together. I want to take you right here and give you something better than a homerun endorphin rush. I’m sorry I’ve been so dense. I’ve hurt you, and I never wanted to do that.” He gave her another long, lingering kiss. Maddie didn’t want him to stop, to break any part of this spell. But she had come this far with honesty, she had to finish the job.
“We can’t do this, Carlton. Much as I want to. I have to know what’s going on between you and Mary Ann. No vague answers. I want specifics.”
Carlton moved back so they were sitting close together, her legs still around his waist, and his arms still around her neck
“You’re right. Sometimes I think you can read my thoughts. But Maddie, listen to me. I am not seeing Mary Ann. We’re not dating, and I’m not in love with her. She’s been in Chapel Hill. We talk, but that’s all. There’s only one person I’m in love with and that’s you. I was trying to show you at these events. Doing everything you wanted. Helping you any way that I could. Doing my very best for you. I hoped you would see that.”
Maddie groaned. “Oh God, I’m sorry. Damn it! I’m acting like such a baby. Crying and shouting at you. That’s not how I want to be. But your sing-along performance tonight tore my heart out. You were so wonderful out there, and everyone loved you. And I loved and wanted you so much I couldn’t stand it.” She hugged him tightly. “Thank you for all the nice things you said tonight. But why couldn't you just tell me how you felt? Or… Does Mary Ann know? I mean, that’s really important to me, too. Being fair to Mary Ann.”
“This is the hard part. And I’m not using this as an excuse, but I want you to understand. When my mom died, it was so sudden. Cerebral aneurysm. I found her, but I was too late. It was awful, and I couldn’t get past it. Kept re-living it. Mary Ann helped me get unstuck, and I thought that was love. Well, it is love but not like you. I owe Mary Ann a lot, and I just haven’t been able to tell her that I can’t marry her anymore. That’s on me. That night at the drive-in, I was sure she’d go back to Europe before long. Now… I don’t think she knows what she wants yet. In the meantime, I wanted you and me to become real friends. Like we said that night at Shadow River. The best romances start as friendships, right? I wanted that for us, and I thought things would work out naturally over time. But that was impractical and unfair to you and to Mary Ann. Forgive me. Can you do that?”
Maddie took his face in her hands and kissed both his cheeks. “I love you! Haven’t you got that in your head yet, Professor?” She hugged him again. “I don’t know what to say now. My whole body is collapsing. I’m so relieved and… So happy!” She pressed one hand against his chest, over his white Oxford-cloth shirt and laughed. “You know, I’ve always wanted to get it on with the Professor. Personally, I don’t believe anyone on that island was good enough for him.”
Carlton adjusted his glasses which had gotten knocked slightly crooked on his nose. “Is that so? Even though he could make anything out of a coconut but he could never get them off that freaking island?”
“I believe you could make anything out of a coconut, and that’s so hot I don’t care if we never get off the freaking island!” She held Carlton low around the waist, felt something in his back pocket, and pulled it out. “Holy cow! A book about the history of the number zero? You even brought Professor-type books tonight as props!”
Carlton snatched his book back. “What? I’m actually reading that.”
Maddie leaned back and laughed again. “That’s brilliant! And it’s so you.”
He straightened her blouse and pressed the rumpled collar flat. “Yeah, the Professor and Julie, Your Cruise Director, huh? Pretty steamy.”
Maddie giggled. “Sounds like a ComiCon retro-cosplay fantasy!” She allowed herself to run her hands over his impressive arm muscles. “Better than a homerun endorphin rush? Really?”
“I’ve been told I have a certain skill set.”
“So, you can hit for power and for distance?”
“Something like that.” He shrugged and half-smiled sheepishly.
Maddie thought he was adorable. “Good to know.”
Carlton took her hands and kissed them. “I wish we could join the Great Sweetgum Lovefest, but we’re going to do this right. I’ll be fair to Mary Ann. I promise you that. I’m going to talk to her properly, but it’ll take some time. This is not just one quick conversation, and she’s as stubborn as you are.”
Maddie nodded, still not quite able to believe that any of this was happening. The baseball gods and the goddess of Love Notes were finally smiling upon her.
“I understand that. I'm glad you told me about your mom, too. When my grandpa died— the one who gave me the bandana I keep in my pocket—I was a wreck for most of junior high. I’m really bad at losing people I love, and I was afraid of losing you, too. But when you hate to lose? It makes you want to win. And I think we can be very good at winning. You and me.”
Carlton kissed her softly and helped her to her feet. “Let’s do that. And by the way, if you really want to hit a baseball, I might be able to help. We could meet down here a few times and… Let’s see what you've got, Fields!"
RELATED ART
Art from Rob Mitchell (AI-generated image)
BASEBALL INSPIRATION
Luis Aparicio, born in Venezuela, was a pioneering Latin American star. He played 18 seasons as a shortstop for the Chicago White Sox, Baltimore Orioles, and Boston Red Sox. He’s in the Baseball Hall of Fame for his elite defensive skills (nine Gold Glove Awards!) and record-setting base stealing. Luis is beloved among White Sox fans as the dazzling, high-energy centerpiece of the “Go-Go White Sox” that won the 1959 AL pennant. He is 92 years old now and makes his home back in Venezuela.
Detroit's Rocky Colavito is called out at second by umpire Sam Carrigan as Chicago White Sox shortstop Luis Aparicio leaps out of the way after stepping on second base.
WHAT IS THE MENDOZA LINE?
The “Mendoza Line” that Carlton mentions is a baseball slang term referring to a .200 batting average regarded as the threshold between subpar hitting and offensive futility. The term is named after Mario Mendoza, an MLB shortstop from 1974 - 1982. While an excellent defensive player, he was a notoriously weak hitter. And yet his lifetime batting average was .215, slightly above the term that bears his name.
REAL BASEBALL LOVE
Sweetgum’s baseball lovefest gives us a perfect opportunity to celebrate the 72-year love affair between Pat Henschel and Terry Donahue. The couple met in 1947. Donahue played for the Rockford Peaches, the baseball team that inspired A League of Their Own. The two women lived together in Chicago for decades and had to hide their relationship. Sadly, when they were finally able to go public, Donahue suffered complications from Parkinson’s Disease. But the challenges of illness and aging couldn’t stop the deep commitment and passion these two women felt for one another.
Donahue’s great-nephew, Chris Bolkan, made a Netflix documentary, Secret Love, that chronicles this powerful baseball love story.
Watch A Secret Love | Netflix Official Site
Another Chicago baseball note of interest: The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was founded in 1943 by Chicago Cubs owner Philip K. Wrigley to keep baseball alive during World War II.
PLAYLIST
