Chapter Twenty-Six: What a Girl Doesn’t Want

“Are you up to something?” Esme asked her niece. “You’ve been bouncing off the walls all night.”

“My granny would say you’re as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,” Tillie chimed in.

“How is that different from any other night?” Maddie climbed out of the back seat of Tillie’s car and paced in Esme’s driveway, occasionally glancing at the house. “You two are always telling me to take it down a notch.”

“She has a point.” Tillie opened her car door and turned sideways in the diver’s seat, stretching her long legs but not getting out of the car. “She’s squirrely most nights.”

“Are you expecting someone, Maddie? Why do you keep looking at my house?”

Maddie jerked around to face Esme. “I’m not doing that. And I am not squirrely. I’m excited to have a night off with just us girls!”

Esme swung open her car door and joined Maddie outside. “Well, it’s been delightful. Going to The Best of Looney Tunes marathon in the town square was a hoot! It was fun to see so many people there, sitting on lawn chairs and blankets. I thought showing films on the side of a bank might not work, but I liked what the texture of the bricks did to the cartoons.”

“I loved watching those little girls do-si-do-ing when Bugs Bunny called out the square dance moves.” Maddie put an arm around her aunt and walked alongside her, obviously trying to keep her from going toward the house yet.

“What is going on, girl?” Esme asked again.

Maddie jumped away. “Nothing.”

“Is this something to do with Carlton?” Esme whispered.

“Shhh! No!”

“What are you two whispering about?” Tillie asked.

“Not a thing!” Maddie trilled.

Esme patted Maddie’s cheek. “I think my niece could use some pot gummies tonight. But we have her to thank for all those food trucks parked by the movie.”

“I’m beginning to think she’s the social director for all of Sweetgum,” Tillie added.

“No big deal,” Maddie said. “Since there wasn’t a ball game tonight, I just sent a text to all the vendors about the Bank on Good Films festival so they could make some extra money. I can’t believe how many more food trucks there are now compared to spring.”

“I’ve noticed that, too. Shawarma Dharma is getting popular. It’s my favorite.”

Esme untangled herself from Maddie’s grasp. “Why don’t you girls come in for a piece of hummingbird cake? I made it fresh this morning.”

“Uh, well…” Maddie fumbled and looked at Tillie.

“I’m so sorry but we can’t. Boss and I are going to do a little online shopping. I’m trying to convince her that all of her clothes don’t have to come from warehouse club stores. Or concession stands.” Tillie stood up and slammed the car door extra hard which Esme thought was strange.

“That’s right,” Maddie said quickly. “Have a good night, Esme! Have a really good night, OK?” She motioned to Tillie, and the two of them took off for the carriage house.

“Silly girls!” Esme muttered. She ambled to her front door and noticed that lights were on in the front room. She was sure she’d turned them off. When she unlocked the door and walked into the foyer, the beagles didn’t bark a greeting. Now she felt worried and a little scared.

“Sosa? Sandberg? Where are you?” Esme hurried into the house.

“Don’t worry. They’re here with me. Enjoying their belly rubs.”

“Nick! What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you until next month when I come to Chicago.”

Nick stood up and Esme ran to him. He enveloped her in a big hug. “I couldn’t wait until next month. I took advantage of an off day to make a quick surprise visit.”

Esme started to lean in for a kiss, but she noticed something strange in the parlor. “Oh my goodness, what have you done?”

“Come with me and I’ll show you.” Nick led her to the front room where brightly colored Japanese lanterns hung in crisscrossing lines from the ceiling. Dozens of tea lights flickered from the mantle, the coffee table, and every surface in the room. The effect was spellbinding.

“What in the world, Nick? I love this, but how did you pull it off?”

“Maddie and Tillie. I told them what I wanted to do and asked that they keep you busy while I set up the room. They were happy to help.”

“Well, that explains Maddie’s odd behavior. I had no clue what was happening.” She pulled Nick into a kiss. “You ridiculous, impractical, romantic man. Thank you. This is a fairy land. I adore candles and Japanese lanterns.”

“I know.” Nick guided Esme to the futon so they could sit next to each other. “I set this up because I have something to ask you.”

“Of course, sweetheart. What do you want?”

“Will you marry me?” Nick opened a velvet ring box that held a Tiffany Art Deco engagement ring from the 1920s. The Asscher-cut diamond created seemingly endless geometric reflections at every angle of the stone. It glistened extravagantly in the candlelight.

Esme stared at the ring, then at Nick, then back at the ring. “No! Are you crazy? I thought we had something special going on here. Why would we want to ruin it by getting married?”

“Ruin it? Why would marriage ruin it?”

“Because it’s such a societal convention which has no relevance to love. It’s artificial and historically suffocating to women.”

“Suffocating? Artificial? Esme, I just want us to stand up in front of our friends and family and make a sacred vow.”

“Can we use the Girl Scout Vow? I like that one. ‘I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, use resources wisely, and make the world a better place.’” Esme raised her hand with two fingers up like a scout.

“Don’t make this a joke.”

“I’m serious,” Esme snapped back. “I love you, Nick. You’re the only man for me, and that’s something I never expected to say to anyone! That doesn’t mean we have to get married, though.”

“Obviously, I love you, too. But… I thought you’d be more excited about spending the rest of our lives together. Apparently, I was wrong.” Nick got up and put the ring away. “I’m sorry I upset you. Maybe it would be better if I take off.” He headed for the door, and the beagles circled him and began to whimper.

Esme reached out for his arm. “Wait. Where are you going? Aren’t you going to spend the night?”

“No. I don’t want to argue and lose my temper. I’ll just check into the Dragonfly Inn.”

“Don’t go. Please. We can talk about this without fighting.”

“Not tonight, Esme.” Nick walked out and the door slammed behind him.

Stunned and depleted, Esme sank back on the futon and cried. Sosa tried to lick her tears away while Sandberg threw his head back and howled.

***

There was a knock at the kitchen door. Esme ignored it. She didn’t want to talk to anyone this morning.

“We’re coming in!” Tillie’s voice called from the backyard. “I hope you and Mr. Silver Fox are decent.”

Esme could hear Tillie and Maddie entering the kitchen, laughing and calling to the dogs. Sosa and Sandberg greeted them with happy barks that sounded antithetical to her mood. The words “Silver Fox” made her feel worse.

Maddie burst into the dining room where Esme had spent a sleepless night sewing.

“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you—” Maddie rushed to give her aunt a big hug, but Esme stiffened.

“What happened?” Tillie stood in the doorway with a horrified expression. “And WHAT are you wearing?”

Esme glanced down at her paint-splattered sweatshirt and big, baggy sweatpants. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail. She reworked the ponytail absently and made it look sloppier. “What happened is I’m busy finishing Gertrude Thornberry’s latest suit. Fortunately, she’s been using the same pattern for years, so that makes it go fast. I’m wearing my pajamas. What’s wrong with that?”

“No. Your pajamas are hand-painted silk kimonos and vintage, satin nightgowns cut on the bias.” Tillie gasped. “Oh my GOD! Are you wearing a scrunchie?”

“Don’t be coy,” Maddie said. “We already know Nick is in town and he proposed last night. Did you stay up all night celebrating or…? Are you playing some kind of trick on us this morning? Come on, show us the ring and tell us all about it!”

“Yes, let’s see that ring on your finger. I’ll bet it’s a beauty. Talk to me, Harry Winston. Tell me all about it!” Tillie cooed like Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

“Nick told you that he was going to propose?” Esme barked at Maddie. “I didn’t realize—I thought you were just helping him with the surprise visit. Why didn’t you stop him? Of course I said ‘no!’ Why in the world would I want to do such a thing?”

Maddie flinched like she had been slapped. “Uh… Because a brilliant, beautiful, baseball genius thinks you hung the moon? Because you two bring out the best in each other? Because Nick is wise and kind? Because you could be Queen of the Fucking Cubs?”

Esme slammed her scissors down on the table. “Are you saying that none of that can be true if I don’t get a blood test and a license from a government office? Why do I have to prove how I feel about Nick with an outdated, bureaucratic permission slip?”

“But… I mean, that’s not all it is. Right? I’m sure that’s not what it means to Nick.” Maddie laid her hand gently on Esme’s shoulder and sat beside her.

Esme pulled away. “Mr. I’m-So-Zen suddenly wants to stand up and recite a bunch of dusty old vows in front of our friends and family. Why he thinks we need to do that is beyond me.”

“You could write your own, non-dusty vows,” Maddie suggested. “The ceremony doesn’t have to be official. Both of you are unconventional. You could do something original.”

“Oh please,” Esme huffed. “I’m not interested in performing a wedding skit.”

Tillie laughed. “Wedding skit. That’s good. I’ll have to remember that.”

“Tillie! You’re not helping.” Maddie leaned on one hand and stared at Esme. “You really shot him down? After all the trouble he went to? That’s brutal!”

“He wouldn’t stay and discuss it,” Esme complained as she ripped out a seam she’d just sewn.

“But you and Nick are great together. He wants to tell the whole world. It’s not like you have some big moral objection to marriage. You did it with Uncle Craig for good reasons, even if they weren’t the reasons most people get married. So, this time you could do it for true love. Isn’t that OK? I don’t get it.”

“I do,” Tillie said. “What’s the big deal about marriage? If you love each other, you love each other. Why all the pomp and circumstance? Why do you have to make a public spectacle? What about privacy? I think commitment can be private. And quiet.”

Relief flooded Esme’s face. “Thank you, Tillie. Finally, someone who understands.”

“I do. I have no interest in getting married. Ever! I mean, I think everyone deserves to make their own choice, and I know it’s meaningful and practical for some people. But not for me.”

“Couldn’t agree more!” Esme said. But she was aware that Maddie had touched a nerve when she mentioned Craig. When their marriage ended, it hurt more than she liked to admit and upended her life. Ever since then, Esme had chosen short-term relationships with men. Oh, she had fun, and she wouldn’t do things differently. But maybe she had gotten stuck in a negative view of marriage, and that might change with a different person. On the other hand, Esme valued her independence and freedom so much. She couldn’t ignore the feeling that marrying Nick would clip her wings, much as she loved him.

“I’m sorry, Aunt Esme,” Maddie said. “I shouldn’t be trying to change your mind. I should be offering comfort and sympathy. Whatever you decide—well, I’m sure you know what’s best for your life.”

Esme touched Maddie’s shoulder. “Thank you, sweetie. I know you mean well. I know Nick does, too. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

Tillie sat down beside the other two women. “You might not like what I have to say next, Esme. Even though I respect your decision, Nick trusted you with his heart last night. Basically, you hit him with a hundred-mile-per-hour wild pitch. I think you should apologize and have a real conversation with him. Try to look at things from his perspective, too.”

“You never stop amazing me, Tillie,” Maddie said. “I agree with you. But this is my aunt’s call.”

Esme sat in front of her sewing machine. She stopped pretending to work on Gertrude’s suit. She really wasn’t sure how she felt about Nick’s proposal anymore. Her thoughts were swirling in strange colors that she didn’t recognize. But that could be good. She had always welcomed change and embraced taking risks. Couldn’t she do that again now?

“Damn it, you two. You’re killing me with conscience and common sense!” Esme pushed back from her sewing table.

Tillie covered her eyes in mock horror. “God, your outfit is worse than I thought. You must be feeling like total shit, to borrow an elephant’s raggedy sweatpants.”

“Well. excuse me if I don’t have the budget for Gucci shoes and the latest Ralph Lauren skirt with an oversized linen shirt from Alice + Olivia,” Esme teased. “And of course, you make it look effortlessly elegant.”

“Oh shut up!” Tillie stood and pointed at Esme. “I’m staying here while you shower and dress. Then I can burn that outfit in the backyard. Boss, I suggest that you take your idiotic golf cart to Plehn’s Bakery for some pain au chocolat. Then you can stop by the Dragonfly Inn and pick up Mr. Silver Fox. Esme and I will meet you at Nirvana Park in half an hour.” She glanced at her phone. “He needs to be on a plane for Chicago by noon, so you two better clean up your mess in a hurry!”

Esme felt relieved and grateful. She could breathe again, and her mood was lighter. “All right. I’ve got my marching orders. Thank you, girls.”

“It’s all going to be fine.” Maddie gave her aunt a hug and a peck on the cheek. “You know my favorite Maddoxism. Expect the best, not the worst.”

***

The sight of Nick walking toward her—past the chainsaw carving of George Jones—made Esme feel like a child on her first roller coaster. She wanted to make things right, but this was new territory, and she didn’t have her usual sense of control. Instead she was careening down the highest hill on the coaster with her hands in the air.

“Good morning, Nick.” Esme gave him a light kiss on the cheek. “Do you feel like talking? Or at least having a croissant? It’s chocolate and very good.” She offered him the wax paper bag from Plehn’s, but he didn’t take it.

“I think I’ll just listen. Talking last night felt more like getting punched,” Nick said. He sat down and looked at her expectantly. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face looked rumpled and puffy.

Has he spent the night crying, too? Esme wondered. She felt her heart clutch.

“Oh, Nick, I’m sorry. I appreciate everything you did for me. I know you thought it would be a lovely surprise.”

“Your reaction was pretty painful. That was a surprise.”

“I know. I was selfish.” Esme batted away tears. “I wasn’t thinking about your feelings, and that was wrong. I apologize. But it was such a shock. We hadn’t discussed marriage before. It came out of the blue, and I was like a deer in the headlights. I wasn’t prepared and I panicked. Then you walked out and that scared me. Is that what you do? Leave whenever things get tough?”

Esme waited for him to answer, but he sat quietly, staring straight ahead. Finally, he broke the silence. “I thought you knew me better than that. I’m not a quitter and I never shy away from a challenge. I left because I didn’t want to lash out and say things that I’d regret. But OK, I can understand why you were upset with me.”

“Thank you for that explanation. Only… In the future? I hope we can calm down without walking out on each other.”

“I agree. Leaving last night must have seemed rude or cowardly. I’m sorry for that.”

“If it’s all right with you, I’d like to try to give you a better explanation of why I’m conflicted about getting married.”

Nick’s shoulders drooped, but he nodded. “Of course. I want to understand.”

“My marriage to Craig was a facade. I told you about that. I never wanted to be a typical wife. I don’t want to host dinner parties for your bosses in Chicago. I don’t want to cook meals every night. I don’t want to give up my freedom. I’ve worked too hard to make the independent life I have. And I really, really have no interest in being conventional.”

Nick laughed just a little bit, and Esme felt the tension between them lessen. “That’s your objection to marriage? Do you have any concept of marriage that isn’t based on a 1950s sitcom?” He reached out and took her hands in his. “Whatever gave you the idea I want anything conventional? Or that I’m conventional myself? What are you afraid that you’ll have to give up for me?”

Esme thought for a few minutes, trying to decide how to funnel the multitude of her thoughts down to a few sentences. “I don’t want to leave Sweetgum or my own house, and I don’t want to have to suck up to dreary business people in Chicago. I want to keep running the emporium and create the Sweetgum Arts Co-Op. I want to be myself. To love the Cubs AND the Gray Sox and yes, even the Sliding Salamanders. To fill my days with art and joy and—”

“You can still do all those things. I’d never ask you to give up anything that makes you happy. For me, marriage means that we forge an everlasting, tangible bond together. One person is not in charge. We lean on each other in good times and bad.”

“Don’t we already have that?” Esme rested her head on Nick’s shoulder. It felt good to be closer to him again.

“Maybe it would help if I gave you some background. When I was much younger, just starting out in pro ball, I had no patience. I was temperamental. I had a fabulous mom, but no father, and I had some stupid ideas about how I was supposed to act as a man.”

“I’ve heard some stories about you throwing bats and fighting with teammates in the minors.”

“Being a hothead got me kicked off more than one team and it blew up my first marriage. I knew I had to change something, so I lived in an ashram for a year. And this might sound crazy, but that’s where I learned to appreciate rituals. They’re important to me. They ground me. They make things real. You of all people should know baseball is full of rituals. These things have power. That’s why having my daughters and grandkids at an official wedding means a lot to me.”

Esme smiled. “I’m glad for you. Really, I am. But you had a great marriage to Jean. I’ve never had that. My experience with marriage left me with a very different set of memories and perspectives. I think… I’m just now starting to realize how much that affected me. Strange, because it’s been such a long time ago now, and I’ve been satisfied with my life after Craig. I want to be open to new horizons. To change and take chances. And yet I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel confused about the idea of getting married again.”

“Esme, that makes sense. I should have been more sensitive to all of that. But… How about a compromise?”

“What kind of compromise? I don’t want a wedding skit!”

Nick looked confused. “What the hell is a wedding skit?”

“Never mind. I just mean this subject stirs up some strong emotions for me and it’s unsettling. But it’s… wild and exciting and weird, too.”

“That’s cool. I love wild, exciting, and weird, actually. So, here’s my compromise. Take some time before you decide. It’s a big decision, and I want you to think about it from every angle. Tell me anything that bothers you, and we can hash it out. For instance, I wanted to ask you about living in Sweetgum in the off season. I love this place! I want to belong here like you do. You’re not obligated to live with me during baseball season in Chicago, but I’d love for you to be there whenever you want to. Could that work for you?”

Esme let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Thanks. That helps.”

Nick smiled hopefully. “I take plenty of time to make decisions whenever I can. I should give you the same opportunity. Frankly, I’m surprised at myself for springing all of this on you so quickly. I just started dating again. But I wanted to do it! Be unrestrained and spontaneous. I thought you’d feel the same, but that wasn’t very realistic. Sorry again.”

“It certainly was surprising! But you know this isn’t about whether I love you, right? Because I really do.”

“I don’t doubt the love. I have faith in us, Esme. Take all the time you need. I can wait.”

He put his arm around her on the Nirvana Park bench. She moved close to him and opened the little wax bag in her lap.

“Hungry?” she asked and tore off a piece of flaky croissant to offer him.

“Starving!” He ate half the croissant. “Damn! You weren’t kidding. That’s really good.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go so soon,” she said.

“Me, too. But I’ll be back. Who could resist these croissants?”

***

A rainbow of office supplies—even more than usual—surrounded Maddie on her table at the Grand Lunch, and she had hardly been off the phone all morning. Tillie peeked over her laptop and leaned over to whisper, “Hey Boss, how are you doing with being pseudo single lately?”

“Pseudo OK,” Maddie shot back, not looking up from her work “Why do you ask?”

“You seem extra work-obsessed. I didn’t think that was possible.”

Maddie put down the fistful of different-colored markers that she was using to fill out her weekly calendar and whispered back, “Are you suggesting I’m using work to sublimate you-know-who deprivation?”

Tillie nodded and put a finger over her lips.

Maddie leaned in so there was no way anyone but Tillie could hear her. “Maybe. It’s more than a week since I’ve seen him, and it feels like a year. But we’re also up against the wall to finish the Great Lawn in time for the grand opening in September. Thornberry’s is all in, but that means it has to be perfect.”

“Yeah, but the deprivation is tough, huh?”

“It is. Thanks. I really wish I weren’t pseudo single.”

“That might be about to change,” Tillie teased and looked over her shoulder. “A certain slimy salamander just walked in.”

“Oh, great!” Maddie rubbed her eyes, then looked up to see Cooper leering at her as he smoothed his hair. “…to see you, Cooper,”

“Great to see you, too, Maddie. As always.” He glared at Tillie. “Do you mind leaving Maddie and me to talk? Alone.”

Tillie gave him her best shit-eating grin. “I’m more than happy to leave you alone, Cooper. In fact, if more women in this town left you alone, the urgent care clinic wouldn’t have to stock as much penicillin.” She removed herself from Maddie’s booth and smoothed her crisp, polka-dot print dress from Prada.

Cooper leaned on the table and said quietly but fiercely, “Why do you always have to be such a bitch to me?”

“Cooper, Cooper, Cooper. I don’t have to be a bitch to you. I want to be a bitch to you. I can think of few as worthy of my bitchiness as you are.”

Maddie was getting worried that they would come to blows. She wondered if she should interfere but decided against it. Watching Tillie decimate Cooper was too much fun.

“Bitch,” Cooper said again, glowering.

“Ah, that’s the clever wordplay I’ve come to expect from you.” Tillie reached into her Kate Spade bag and pulled out a whistle on a lanyard. She handed it to Maddie. “I keep this in my purse at all times. It’s especially loud and obnoxious. I use it for safety, when there might be creeps in the vicinity. I’m going to sit over there, but feel free to sound the alarm if this four-legged fishhead bothers you.”

“Sal is an amphibian,” Cooper said with gritted teeth.

“Again with the clever comeback!” Tillie sauntered over to a swivel stool at the counter. “I wasn’t referring to Sal.”

“Sit down, Cooper,” Maddie said. “I’m glad you came in today. I’m assuming you want to talk about the memo I sent. A lot of minor league mascots are doing tremendous work in their communities. We should do more of that here in Sweetgum, don’t you think?”

Cooper made a face like he’d just tasted sour milk.

“Homer the Dragon over in Charlotte gave 5,615 hugs in 24 hours to raise money for local schools!” Maddie showed Cooper an article about the event she had stowed in the pocket of her overflowing day planner.

“Homer’s a wuss. Can’t stand the guy. Gimme a hug!” Cooper was apparently imitating Homer. “Pathetic, needy bastard! It’s a cry for help really.”

“Well, Homer was voted Best Minor League Mascot by his peers last year, so…”

“Those elections are rigged! Everyone knows it.”

Maddie chose to ignore Cooper’s comments and plowed ahead. “Muddy and Muddonna with the Toledo Mud Hens make hundreds of charity appearances each year. They go to children’s hospitals and libraries… Just think of all the good Sal and Sally could do if we put our minds to it.”

“Are you nuts, Maddie? Why would I want to hug a bunch of kids? Or visit them in hospitals?” Cooper brushed off his sleeves. “Kids are covered in germs and slobber and God knows what.”

“Sounds like what your date had to contend with last Saturday night,” Tillie said loudly from across the room.

“Tillie, I appreciate your support, but I can handle this,” Maddie interjected.

Cooper smiled unctuously. “Why do you always have to talk about work? There’s more to life than just work, Maddie. What about us?”

“What do you mean? We’re colleagues, not friends.”

“No, we’re frenemies. It’s like a rom-com thing.”

“Do you know what that means, Cooper? It’s actually someone who pretends to be nice but who secretly hates you. Let’s just say I haven’t kept my feelings for you a secret.”

“It’s OK. You can drop the act. I know what’s going on when Sally calls in to ‘Love Notes.’ Oh, I admit I was pissed at first. But now I understand. Deep down, you want to be more than friends. Admit it. I’ve been waiting for this all season. Now it’s finally our time to be together.”

Maddie’s gasp was almost louder than Tillie’s laughter.

“Don’t be a tease, Maddie. The whole town knows why you and Carlton broke up.”

“Yeah, the universal designated hitter rule. He’s an arrogant asshole.”

“No. The real reason.”

Maddie’s stomach clenched. What exactly did Cooper know? Was he trying to blackmail her now?

“And what’s the real reason?” she asked.

Cooper shrugged. “Because he’s a boy, not a man. You need an in-charge guy like me to help guide you. Not only would we make a smokin’ couple, we could rule the Gray Sox world!”

Maddie sat back in her seat and stared at Cooper, unable to speak for nearly a minute. “Wow. Just wow. I knew you weren’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Now I know you’re just a tool.”

Cooper’s brow crinkled. “If this is flirting, Maddie, your technique needs some work.”

“Flirting? You think that was flirting? Let me be clear. There is no chance, ever, in any scenario, that I would be with you. If you were the last man on earth, I wouldn’t date you. If I traveled in a space ship, explored the whole universe, and discovered you were the only human male anywhere, I still wouldn’t be with you. Even if it meant the extinction of humanity. I’d be OK with that.”

Cooper gave a low chuckle. “Oh, Maddie. You little minx. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

“Oh my God! I’m sorry that I’ve been too subtle with you. I really thought the space ship story would get my point across.”

Cooper reached across the table to grip Maddie’s hands. She didn’t have time to pull away. “With that temper of yours, think how hot the sex would be.”

Maddie shoved his hands away and blew Tillie’s whistle. She stopped blowing and shouted, “Creep alert! Creep alert!”

The lunch crowd began to notice and laugh. Customers on the other side of the diner stood to see what was going on. Tillie applauded and Edna joined in.

Cooper jumped up and got right in Maddie’s face. “I hope you had fun because you will pay for this!” He turned to storm out of the cafe, but stopped in front of Tillie.

Before he had a chance to say anything, she showed him a boomerang video she had made on her phone. It featured the whistle blows and “Creep alert” playing over and over a picture of Cooper smirking. “You want to threaten me, too, Cooper? Let’s just see how that goes.”

Cooper stomped out to more laughter from the lunch crowd. Maddie didn’t feel bad for him at all. But she wondered if he could cause some kind of mischief and it bugged her. Oh well, there were too many other things she had to worry about. Her phone pinged and she saw that Carlton had sent her Tillie’s boomerang of Cooper with a pair of exclamation points and an eye-roll emoji. She smiled and sent a silly amount of hearts back to him. But it wasn’t good enough. All she wanted right now was to see him. Without caring about who else saw them together.

***

Maddie was still mad at Cooper when she got into Sally’s outfit that night at the ballgame. She’d happily stop engaging with him on any level, including the Sal and Sally gigs, if the fans didn’t love the couple so much.

Judging from comments on Sal and Sally’s Facebook page, people enjoyed Sally’s unpredictability. Maddie played her as aggressive and uninterested. The few times Esme filled in, she acted all lovey-dovey with Sal, just to mess with Cooper. And it was impossible to predict what Tillie would do when she was Sally. Once during Sal’s air-guitar schtick, Tillie stole the guitar and did somersaults. It was all a game, but it was a game Maddie was tired of playing. Unfortunately, the fans couldn’t get enough.

At tonight’s match against the Amarillo Sod Poodles, Sally was cold again, running away from Sal, and making him the butt of her jokes whenever she could. Maddie knew this would make Cooper even more pissed at her, and she didn’t care. She wanted him to have a rough night.

In the middle of the eighth inning, Sal marched over to the Salamanders’ dugout and pulled out his outsized broom. The home team was going to win their third game in a row against the Sod Poodles, unless the Manders managed to blow a ten-run lead. But since the All-Star break, the infielders had finally figured out what a double play was, and Alonso Garcia’s batting average was .307 with an OPS of .964. Losing badly was something the team did less and less these days.

Sal trotted back out onto the field, holding the broom triumphantly over his head, and the crowd cheered. They were hungry for the sweep and Sal fed the frenzy. He swaggered over to home plate and began sweeping the base. The crowd chanted, “Sweep! Sweep!” But then some of the fans started laughing.

Maddie had been strolling along the first base line, posing for pictures with adoring fans. She turned around to see what the laughter was about. Sal was pointing to her, pantomiming a pointy hat and then straddling his broom like a witch. But his nastier, implied insult was clear to the adults in the audience.

“He’s calling me a bitch now? I don’t think so,” Maddie muttered. She grabbed the regular-sized broom from the visitors’ dugout and skipped to where Sal was bent over with laughter, mocking her.

Maddie took a big swing with the broom that landed on Sal’s backside. It was not enough to hurt him, but it was hard enough for him to feel it. What she hadn’t counted on was his lack of balance. Since he’d been leaning forward, the blow knocked Cooper for a loop. He skittered around wildly, arms flailing like a drunken amphibian, and he fell to his knees.

The crowd ate it up. Sally grabbed both brooms and ran the bases as the players came back on the field.

“Let’s go, Sally!” and “Sweep, baby, sweep!” the Manders’ players shouted.

Maddie waved to the Jumbotron camera person and posed one last time. The video board showed her licking her finger and making a downward motion, giving herself a win. The fan response was deafening, with more than a few boos directed at Sal. Cooper would hate that, but Maddie simply didn’t give a shit.

LOCAL INSPIRATION: PLEHN’S BAKERY

Plehn’s Bakery is a much-beloved Louisville institution. Founded in 1924, this family-owned, full-service bakeshop and lunch counter specializes in homemade danish, donuts, coffee cakes and kuchens, all made fresh daily. Plehn’s is also known for elaborate custom wedding and birthday cakes and iced cookies.

More than 100 years old, Plehn’s is still going strong. During the holidays, you will often find the small store packed with 30-50 customers waiting—with numbers in hand—for the incredibly efficient staff to deliver all kinds of festive treats that are family traditions all over the city.

BASEBALL INSPIRATION: HOMER AND MUDDONNA

Homer the Dragon is the mascot for the Charlotte Knights, the White Sox Triple-A minor league team. Yep, he really is famous for giving great hugs!

Muddonna is the female mascot for another Triple-A team, the Toledo Mud Hens. She made her debut in 2003 and is particularly admired for dancing on the dugout.

Both Homer and Muddona have been named among the top minor league mascots in the country and make more than 300 public appearances in their communities each year.

WHAT THE HELL IS OPS?

Joshua Baez made his MLB debut for the St. Louis Cardinals at Wrigley Field on August 15, 2026. He made history by hitting three homers in his first three plate appearances. Cardinals’ TV announcer Chip Caray (grandson of Harry) shared the amazing fact that Baez’s OPS after this feat was a mind-blowing 5.000 (expressed as FIVE THOUSAND)!

OPS has become one of the most-used stats in baseball. You might notice that TV broadcasts will often show a team’s starting lineup with OPS given for each player rather than batting average.

OPS = A player’s “on-base percentage” plus “slugging percentage” which measures the percentage of extra-base hits a player gets.

In short, OPS is a more comprehensive and significant offensive stat for players than their batting averages.

.720 - .740 is an average OPS.

.800 is above average.

.900 is excellent.

1.000 and above is elite.

AND WHILE WE’RE TALKING STATS… WHAT IS WAR?

*Pete Crow Armstrong has become a superstar player for the Cubs in 2026. His WAR in mid-August was a whopping 8.2. We predict he’ll be the National League MVP this year.*

WAR means Wins Above Replacement. It combines a lot of different kinds of statistical information to show in one single number how much total value a player brings to a team compared to an average replacement player.

For hitters, WAR looks at hitting, base running, fielding, and the difficulty level of defensive plays made.

For pitchers, WAR estimates how many runs a pitcher stops compared to an average replacement pitcher.

A WAR of 6 or more = MVP-caliber player.

Each point of WAR typically translates to about 8 or 9 million dollars added to a player’s contract.

PLAYLIST