Chapter Thirteen: Unexpected Showstoppers
“And Bugle Player, GO!” Maddie shouted into her walkie-talkie. The premiere of Yoakam's Hot and Sweet Pickle Races was about to begin.
A stout woman in a neon-green jacket and jodhpurs marched out to home plate and played the “Call to the Post” on a long, skinny bugle, making Maddie’s heart soar. How could anyone within earshot not feel thrilled by that sound?
Russell Wilde’s voice boomed from the announcers’ booth. “Manders fans, tonight is a historic occasion! Destined to become a legend…”
“OK this is!" Maddie swung open a wide gate in the outfield fence to reveal the three racers in their pickle costumes to the fans. A sweeping spotlight illuminated them while Maddie stood off to the side, just out of sight of the crowd.
“I’m gonna puke,” said Herb. “Or fall flat on my butt. Or both.”
“No, you won’t!” Maddie assured him. “But worst-case scenario? Either one can work in your favor for this event.”
“Don’t panic, Herb,” said a muted Carlton from inside his enormous pickle spear costume that drooped slightly on the top. “You crushed it in rehearsal. Let’s stick to our script and we’ll be fine.”
“Maybe I will, maybe I won't," Vinny threatened. “Inspiration could strike at any time.”
“No way, man. Uh-uh. I’m sorry, I can’t—”
Russell’s voice interrupted Herb’s meltdown. “Welcome to the first ever Yoakam’s Pickle Races! Starring your favorite fan podcasters, the hosts of Manders Matter. Give it up for DILL, BREAD AND BUTTER, and CONCHICON!”
The crowd of more than 4000—a season record for which Maddie was both relieved and elated—erupted in overlapping shouts and stood for a spontaneous ovation. People were already picking their favorite pickle to win the race. Even the ball players and coaches had come out to lean on the railing in front of the dugout, and they were shouting their pickle picks, too.
Maddie shouted from the sideline. “See, Herb? They love you! Now GO!”
Carlton took off running, holding his mighty pickle spear high, and the crowd erupted. Vinny followed. He pulled out a small French flag on a stick from God knows where and waved it around before sticking it in his beret. Finally, Herb jogged forward sluggishly. His wide sandwich costume wedged awkwardly between the other two racers, sparking more comedy.
Vinnie started running in place but kept one leg straight while kicking his other behind him, so he was moving backward. Carlton took the cue and slapped Vinnie on the head. It was full-on Three Stooges time. Carlton put two fingers out like a peace sign to poke out Vinnie’s eyes, but Vinnie blocked the attack with his flattened palm. Carlton stuck his two pointer fingers into Vinnie’s two googly eyes.
Herb laughed loudly from inside his sandwich outfit. His whole body relaxed, and Maddie understood that Carlton and Vinny must’ve planned this routine to loosen him up at race time.
Someone from the crowd yelled out “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” as Herb reacted and knocked Vinnie and Carlton’s heads together.
Maddie was bent over laughing, straining for breath. So was Esme, who had served as the official Pickle Dresser, making sure her costumes looked their best for opening night.
“Congratulations!” Maddie told her aunt. “Your costumes are brilliant! And pickles doing Three Stooges routines makes them even better. You really knocked it out of the park!”
“Thanks.” Esme blotted her face with the long, silky scarf she was wearing and wiped her eyes. “But honestly, it's hard to go wrong with people running around in giant vegetable suits. It’s inherently hilarious.”
Russell announced with a flourish, “And they’re off!” The podcasters stopped their schtick and started running.
“Here we go!” Maddie turned around to look at the Jumbotron.
Carlton was well ahead of the other pickles, waving his spear around in premature victory, but then Vinny came from behind, stole the spear, and ran in the opposite direction. The crowd roared as Carlton ran and tackled Vinny. Both of them sprawled and rolled on the grass while Herb kept up his slow, steady jog and waved goodbye to them as he neared the finish line.
Esme put one hand over her eyes. “I can’t watch. I’m afraid there’s going to be a wardrobe malfunction."
Maddie patted Esme’s arm. “Don’t worry. The costumes are holding strong. But this is a riot. Lord, I could watch this all day!”
The Manders fans were yelling at a fever pitch, as the race neared its conclusion.
Carlton managed to retrieve the spear and get back on his feet. He raced forward to catch Herb with seconds to go. Vinny got up, spun around, and then fell straight back, landing with his feet up in the air.
On the Jumbotron, a small girl could be seen with her face crumpled in agony, shouting, “Nooooo! Get up, baby pickle!”
“Oh my gosh!” Maddie shook Esme’s shoulders. “Are you seeing this? The kids love Vinny!”
“Will wonders never cease?” said Esme.
Vinny, apparently inspired by his young fan, hopped up and joined the race’s grand finale. Carlton thrust his spear forward to generate momentum and landed across the finish line a step ahead of Herb.
There were mixed hurrahs and boos. To Maddie’s astonishment, Russell Wilde’s voice came back over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have an inquiry. I repeat. The Pickle Stewards have placed the racing results under review.”
“What the—?” Maddie asked. "Who the hell are the Pickle Stewards?"
“I don’t know, but I want to be one,” said Esme.
“Attention, racing fans,” Russell Wilde continued. “There’s been a disqualification. It seems that DILL used an illegal spear maneuver. BREAD AND BUTTER wins the race and CONCHICON comes in second. And now here’s our very own FIRST LADY OF PICKLES, Taylor Yoakam, to hand out the coveted PICKLE CUP!”
Carlton made a show of being outraged. He charged off, stomping his feet and shaking his fist and spear at everyone in the front rows of the stadium. Again, the kids loved it. Herb raised his arms in triumph, and Taylor Yoakam pranced out to home plate wearing an emerald dress with flashing lights on the bodice, a huge tulle skirt, and a pickle-shaped fascinator atop her head. She held a large, green trophy and presented it to Herb.
Maddie gasped. “Esme, this had to be you. You dressed Taylor, too? She looks amazing. Like a Pickle Princess!”
“Oh, I might have whipped up a little something,” Esme admitted.
“I love you so much!” Maddie grabbed her aunt and squeezed her. “And I love all three of those guys! Just look at the stands. People are going apeshit.”
“You mean pickleshit,” Esme said, laughing again.
Herb paraded off the field with his trophy while Vinny was being waved at by dozens of kids asking for his autograph.
Esme mopped her forehead with her sleeve. “Well honey, our opening night is over. And I think we can call it a smash hit. This show’s going to run for a long time. Literally!”
“When we add the gherkin, kids will be lined up for blocks to participate. Tillie’s going to have a field day with photos and video. I wish Ed could’ve been here. He’s part of the Pickle Team, too. Come on, let’s go congratulate Sweetgum’s newest superstars. I can’t wait to hear what Herb has to say now.”
***
“Wooooooooooooo!”
When Maddie and Esme arrived in the clubhouse, Carlton, Vinny, and Herb had ditched their costumes. They were wearing very little, spraying each other with cans of shaken up Cheerwine and shouting in celebration.
“Mads!” Vinny turned a can on Maddie and showered her with bubbles. “We bossed it! Killed it! KICKED HOT-AND-SWEET-PICKLE ASS!”
Maddie squealed and covered her eyes. “You did! But please, we have no plastic up on these walls. Rory is gonna fire me for making this mess.”
“Really?” Vinny shot Maddie a look with his hand on one hip. “That’s all you’ve got right now?”
Maddie stole a glance at Esme who pointed to a cooler. Maddie picked up a can, shook it wildly, and let the spray go. She hit Vinny first, then Herb, then Carlton, and tried to avert her eyes from his underwear-clad body. It didn’t work. He hugged her, and she felt him up close and very personal. This is not a normal ‘best friends’ thing, she thought, But what the hell? Just for tonight, right?
“Thank you, Carlton!” she said. “Oh my God, thank you so, so much!”
He hugged her again, twirled her around, and pressed a kiss onto the side of her head through her hair.
“Man, oh man, that was fun!” Herb’s laugh was deep and it echoed off the concrete walls. “I would not have believed it.”
“I kept telling you it was a great idea, Herb.”
“Naw, it wasn’t just mine. It was all of us together.”
“You guys were insanely good! And Esme’s costumes!” Maddie opened another can to spray. She almost targeted Esme but thought better of it.
All of them jumped up and down in a huddle like they had just won the World Series, and Maddie pulled Esme into the scrum as well. Tillie got pulled in when she found the group and started filming the celebration. At first, she complained about her clothes getting wet, but she relented, and they all celebrated until they were dripping with Cheerwine and very sticky.
“We have to stop now,” Maddie ordered. “I’m going to make my debut as Sally Salamander in one more inning. And we should mop up before the clubhouse manager gets back and murders us.”
“Good luck with that Salamander gig,” Vinny jeered. “Sorry, but I don’t think you and Coop are gonna touch the high bar we’ve set tonight. You two will have to limbo under that bar and pick up the scraps we left behind with your tiny little reptile teeth!”
“Amphibian teeth,” Carlton corrected. “Salamanders are amphibians.”
“Are they?” Maddie asked. “I’ve been calling them reptiles, too. Whoops!”
“Whatever.” Vinny waved his hand dismissively. “Pickles RULE! And Salamanders DROOL, baby!”
Holy crap, now I have to follow the fucking pickles! Suddenly Maddie had infinite sympathy for Herb. She felt absolutely terrified.
***
After the euphoria of the Pickle Races, the game itself was going pretty much as expected. The Sliding Salamanders had committed three errors, and the Cedar Rapids Kernels were ahead by nine runs in the middle of the seventh inning.
Maddie’s fears had not subsided. She usually considered herself a behind-the-scenes girl, the kind of person who got things done without a spotlight on her. In a few minutes she had to step out onto the field as the new mascot. What was I thinking? she wondered. She would have given anything to switch assignments with Tillie right now. She and Cooper had a skit planned, and even though Maddie did not remotely like the man, she had to pretend to fall in love with him as a reptile. Amphibian, she reminded herself.
The crowd sang the last few words of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Maddie shook out her hands and legs, put on the head of her Sally costume, and stepped onto the field. The fans reacted immediately. She screwed up her courage and strolled jauntily along the third base line just like she and Cooper had rehearsed. The crowd murmured and a few girls yelled out excited greetings to Sally. She waved her giant baseball glove in return.
Sal stood on top of the Manders’ dugout. He was milking his corny “rock star” shtick. He jumped around, played air guitar, and led the crowd in “Sad in Carolina” by Dexter and the Moonrocks.
Maddie forced herself to stay in character, but she thought Cooper primping like Mick Jagger in a salamander suit was just about the nastiest thing she had ever seen.
At the “ooo-ooos” of the chorus, the video board showed Sally gazing dreamily up at Sal. A buzz spread throughout the whole stadium. Tillie had created a cascade of posts building up to this introduction, and the crowd was hyped to witness Sal and Sally’s first romantic encounter.
Sal stopped playing and turned around. He spotted Sally. The Jumbotron exploded with animated hearts and a single firework shot into the sky. He clutched his heart and leapt off the dugout roof. He paused, then Sal went running toward Sally, arms outstretched. Over the loudspeaker, the Theme From Love Story blared.
Maddie panicked. She’d never performed anything in front of these many people. Her last stage appearance was a tap dance recital in grade school during which she had over-tapped and slipped off the stage. Her dad claimed she had screamed, “I’m never doing this again!” and the audience of mostly parents had answered “Awwww!” But she had blocked that memory out, until now.
She could barely breathe and her head felt light. Rationally, she knew that she and Cooper were just role-playing, but something about the idea of hugging and kissing that slimeball in front of 4000 people disgusted her so much that she felt physically ill.
Maddie didn’t know what to do. Pure instinct took over, and she acted without thinking.
Sally Salamander adjusted her giant bow on top of her head. She slapped the sides of her face with her webbed hands and ran. Fast. She ran toward Sal, her arms outstretched just like his. Then she skirted right past his open arms. She made a beeline for the dugout and scurried through the tunnel back to the clubhouse.
Maddie heard the crowd gasp, then break into a giant, uniform guffaw. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard a muffled yell of “Hey, come back! What are you doing?” But she didn’t stop until she was safe, back in the clubhouse.
She pulled off Sally’s head, gasping for air. It was Carlton who rushed to her side. He handed her a cold bottle of water. “Here you go. Take it easy.”
Maddie gulped the water. Cold liquid had never tasted so good. Her face was beet-red, covered in sweat.
Carlton found a towel and dipped it in a vat of ice water. He pressed it to Maddie’s forehead. “Slow breaths now. You’re OK. It’s alright. You’re fine.”
He helped her out of the costume and somewhere deep in Maddie’s brain she found it amusing, and disappointing, that the first and only time Carlton could undress her, he was peeling off a pleather salamander costume.
Maddie was wearing her bathing suit and shaking all over, which made her more embarrassed. But she stayed where she was and hung onto Carlton’s neck because it felt comforting and secure. His arms wrapped around her, soothing her and calming her down. It was the second time they had been weirdly physically intimate in the wake of taking off surreal costumes. Life is so strange, sometimes I can’t even begin to fathom, Maddie mused.
She rested her head on his shoulder, and her thoughts began to clear. She was definitely calmer. But sweet Jesus, what had she done? Maddie started to laugh, a shaky rattling laugh.
“You’re laughing, right?” Carlton asked. “Not going into shock or anything?”
“No. Laughing! Crap! What did I just do?”
Carlton moved away long enough to snatch his jacket and drape it over her shivering shoulders. Before he could answer, Esme raced into the room.
“Are you OK, sweetie? That was so unexpected!”
Maddie nodded at Esme, still trying to regain her composure.
Then Sal stormed into the clubhouse. “Unexpected? That was a SHIT SHOW! What the hell, Maddie?” Cooper took off the Sal head and threw it across the room. “And what the fuck are you doing here, Carlton? Your little pickle prank is over. So what? You had to stay in the clubhouse and pretend you could still play ball? That’s pathetic. Maddie isn’t doing this show with you, so fuck off!”
“Language, Cooper!” Esme said. “And manners! Carlton is being helpful here, instead of throwing a childish hissy fit.”
Cooper rolled his eyes like he’d just been corrected by the schoolmarm, but Maddie noticed that he obeyed Esme. He tried to sit down, but his tail swung wide and knocked over the chair. He grumbled as he picked it up, then struggled to sit down again.
Maddie avoided looking at anyone else in the room because she knew it would turn into a giggle fest at Cooper’s unintentional slapstick routine.
“Well, I think my work is done here. Not as impressive as playing a jilted salamander, I admit,” Carlton’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “I’ll check in with you later, Maddie. Great job tonight! Totally believable. You’re the Meryl Streep of mascots. Keep my coat as long as you want. It looks good on you. Catch you later, my dude,” he added to Cooper in a dangerous tone that Maddie had never heard him use before.
Oh shit! Is he going to wait for Cooper outside and kick his butt? she thought. Cooper might deserve it for the way he was behaving. But Maddie felt sure that Carlton wasn't a violent guy. He was just messing with Cooper. Wow, that was remarkably hot, and she had to stop thinking things like that.
“G’ night!” Maddie called after Carlton. “Thanks again! You were sensational!"
Finally seated, although precariously, Cooper lit into Maddie. “What’s the point of practicing if you just haul off and do whatever you want at the last minute? Who do you think you are? You can’t just waltz in here and make a fool of the most popular mascot in the league! That was childish and unprofessional. I’ve busted my ass to create a brand legacy, and you’ve gone and ruined it in less than two minutes!”
Maddie wanted to interrupt several times. She really did feel bad that she’d frozen and gone off script. But Cooper wouldn’t let her get a word in.
Finally, she blew up at him. “I was going to apologize, but you're being such an asshole that now I’m not going to!”
“Brava, the Meryl Streep of mascots!" Esme applauded. “Cooper, I suggest you take your legacy brand for a long walk off a short pier.”
Maddie swallowed a laugh. “OK, let’s just calm down here. We can fix this.”
“Fix what?” Tillie ran in, waving her phone. “Just wait ‘til you see!” She stopped and looked back and forth between the stiff and glaring Maddie and Cooper. “Yikes! Who rained all over your homecoming float? Knock it off and check this out!” Tillie handed her phone to Maddie. “Video of Sal and Sally’s first meeting has been shared and reposted thousands of times. It’s raining hearts and smiling-crying emojis!”
“Hey, listen to this,” said Maddie, reading from Tillie’s phone. “‘I will definitely be back to the ballpark to see how this romance develops.’”
Tillie took the phone back, radiant with success. “Did you see this one? ‘Best First Date Ever?’ Or how about ‘I’m with you, Sally! Sometimes you just have to run.’”
Cooper straddled the chair and pulled himself up. The chair clattered to the floor again. Maddie bit her tongue and looked away, but Cooper planted himself in front of her and held out a webbed hand. His newfound smile was unctuous.
“See? I told you this would work, Maddie. Let the mascot romance simmer. It’ll keep people interested longer. If we’d gone straight for the kiss, where could the relationship go? You should always listen to me.”
“What did you just say?” Esme asked, balling up her fists.
Maddie cringed, but she went ahead and shook Cooper’s hand. She needed to attempt a civil working relationship with him, much as she wanted to smack him.
“I’m so glad you went with my plan,” Copper continued in a condescending tone. “Yeah, this will definitely help my brand.” He flashed another smug grin. “A thousand reposts already? It’s sure to go up even more overnight!”
Cooper picked up Sal’s head and sauntered to the door. “See you at tomorrow’s game, ladies.”
No one said anything. Maddie thought of several satisfying retorts but restrained herself.
“Mads, I’ve got a request,” Tillie said after a door slam announced Cooper had left the building. “Please let me be Sally tomorrow night. I want to work on Cooper’s brand legacy.”
“My pleasure!” Maddie could’ve hugged Tillie, but she remembered not to.
“That was quite a night at the ballpark,” Esme said. “I can hardly wait for tomorrow, and I don't think I’m the only one. Let’s all head home and grab ourselves a Yoohoo. Here, I took the liberty of bringing your clothes.” She handed Maddie a plastic bag.
“You’re a lifesaver, Esme. And YooHoos? Hell yeah!” Maddie pulled her jeans and a Newport Narwhals T-shirt over her bathing suit. Then she slipped into Carlton’s fleece jacket. It was still spring in the mountains, and the night air was chilly. But the coat felt warm and snuggly and smelled like Carlton, a woodsy sort of smell that reminded her of playing in raked leaves in the fall. It was nice. So nice. Tonight had been a very good night after all.
RELATED ART
Art from Rob Mitchell (AI-generated images)
LOCAL PRODUCT INSPIRATION
Cheerwine is a popular non-alcoholic, cherry-flavored soft drink with a distinctive burgundy color, created in North Carolina in 1917 and known for its unique, bubbly taste. It’s a Southern classic with a strong black-cherry flavor, made with real cane sugar. Cheerwine is a source of local pride, and has its very own dedicated festival in Salisbury, North Carolina every May.
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